Real Love, Broken Love

So many students wonder what is meant by Samaya. There are endless discussions and interpretations about this topic by westerners, and I feel far fewer among Tibetans.

More than thirty years ago, maybe even forty, back when Lama Tharchin Rinpoche had not yet established His center, Pema Osel Ling in California, we asked him to teach on the topic of samaya. He was relatively new to America but I felt we were close as he had been staying with us in our home for quite some time. His response was laughter. He said, I don’t know anyone who is ready for that kind of teaching. Although that certainly made us even more curious, I let it go to the wisdom of the Guru to determine that.

Now, some forty years later, I find myself feeling the need to communicate something about samaya to my western brothers and sisters. It must be understood that the topic is vast and profound and so there is no possible way to do it any kind of justice here. I only wish to point out some experience I have on the topic.

Young America is largely a transaction-based culture. We have been told that the pursuit of happiness is in some way directly tied to our GDP and the amount of cash we have in our bank accounts. Even our relation with our children, as fixed as they may appear to be, are fraught with feelings and hopefully discussions about expectations from our parents, children etc. We may hate to say: “ I sent you to college and I expect you to a,b,c,” but the thought might certainly surface as an issue if we as parents are not sufficiently respected by our offspring.

Because nearly everything we do is somehow measured in transaction value or movement of value, we become keen to sense this is a basis for all aspects of our relations from education to sex, from domicile, to transport and food, etc. And we may not all have the same value system for measurement of our transactions either. Regardless, it is highly likely that we will see our relations colored by values of transaction. And this does not necessarily have to be expressed as cash or products. It can be experienced as feeling, or energy and enthusiasm. For example, someone might say: “I’m overjoyed to do that but I must get paid” or “I gave you so many things, did so much for you, and you’re just giving me a bad feeling” and so on.

But Samaya is kind of out of the ball park from these affairs. Samaya is a field of trust beyond transaction although there may be many transactions needed with it in order to become real. Samaya is the high end Lexus of value in spiritual terms. Samaya is the only portal by which one can rid oneself of lifetimes of misconceptions and habits by allowing an intimacy with someone who is truly benevolent. And yes, it may well involve real committments, cash support, unwavering faith, sacrifice of personal preferences and so much more. The Lama’s job is to guide one through one’s own obstacles, hesitations and karmic hindrances etc. He or she may also intervene if there is sufficient permission or cause. One must really bind oneself nicely to the entire ride.

But direct or personal intervention can really come at a cost in the western world. Most western students really want the Lama to stay at a certain distance and this in fact can be very wise. But it is certainly not the only way relations can roll.

There are many occasions whereby due to the kindness a student has been showing a teacher, that the teacher feels obligated to tell the truth regardless of how well it is going to be acceptable to a student. And yes, such revelation can cause students to run away from the teacher and even the Dharma. Yes, such risks are common place. In the west I find this often to be the case because Westerners are confused about what love is.

Here is an example of love. My wife loves me. I am certain of that. But I don’t like her that much because she is always telling me what to do, how to behave, what not to wear, how to treat others etc. On some level, I hate it. I hate being told what to do. She gives me a hard time and yes, she can even laugh right at me when I am experiencing emotional turbulence about some issue. My wife fights back and causes me lots of trouble. But at the same time, I love her because she does all those things. Because I recognize her motivation and her wisdom. I cannot think of anyone I would like to avoid more than her and I cannot think of anyone I’d rather be with.

A generation ago, there was a Maha Siddha named Lama Chakdar. His wife liked to stay in their humble mountain retreat hut and he preferred to only remain outside under the stars even at nighttime. But due to his well known accomplishments, he used to fly in the sky to different mountains in the area. His wife had an ankle shackle and chain fashioned and bolted him to a peg in the rock outside their cabin. She said to him: “I just don’t like you flying around all over the place.” He let her fasten him to the rock. One day, she passed away while in the cabin, leaving him fastened to the rock in a remote area with no others nearby. After much struggle, he freed himself and left the ankle shackle and a portion of the chain hanging from his foot from then onwards. His disciplines said: “isn’t it good she passed away? She was so mean and now you are free! Why don’t you take off that shackle?” To which he replied: “I keep this shackle on me to remind me of her great kindness. Now that she’s gone, there is little that can keep me here in this world. “

From my understanding, Lama Chakdar passed away not long after this.

I used to tell my students: “you may not appreciate me and you may even insult me and it might be ok. I can protect you from my ego. But if it happens too much and you cross my wife’s line? Well, then at that point I will probably not be able to help you. If she decides you’re history, you’re probably history.

Fuzzy Logic is actually perfectly accurate.

Think of Samaya as the normal bonds of trust, integrity, reliability and consistency you’d expect from a close friend and then multiply that. To benefit from “having a Lama”, you also must be “had by the Lama”. It’s a two way street of flow, closeness and of letting water go under the bridge. My message to everyone is: Try to be a bit solid and don’t fear commitment. At the same time, try not to be too caught up in bumper sticker ideologies which makes us thin-skinned.

Remember the street phrase: “solid”? well, in a world Buddhism tells you is empty, solid is what you should be in these important relations. By the way, being polite goes a long way too.

This was written by someone who wears white robes and likes to think he knows how to keep samaya.